My dad passed away a few weeks ago. He was 94 years young but we certainly didn't expect it. He was still pottering around his garden.. still cooking and helping do the washing. A heart attack wasn't something we thought would happen. But life keeps moving and throwing curved balls
It's brought in so many variants of emotions, life lessons, reactions and not the least, some really disappointing behaviours by family members.
My Mum has dementia, so there's so much there we'll have to look at.
But for this post I'm going to concentrate on how death can effect people.
Grief is a funny thing. While on one level you're focusing internally, grieving the loss or remembering the good (or bad) times you had with that person.
Why in a time of grief...
do people suddenly decide that they need to be the centre of attention.
Is it that they feel they have to some how contribute and leave their stamp on the organisation or decision making. Why is it that a family member who hasn't been seen by the rest of the family in decades, turns up at the hospital on the day of the death, acts like Mum or Dad matter and then goes out of their way to pass judgement from how the deceased lived their life, what they bought, what they ate.
All while proclaiming their support and 'if there's anything you need'
Why is it that people get their nose out of joint because they weren't included in that conversation, or in deciding when to have dinner or in our case, ringing around for Funeral Directors just as a preliminary step to get the lay of the land. No decision had been made... just fact finding.
I've heard so many other stories... it seems that the grieving process seems to disengage the considerate part of the brain and goes into surveillance mode to establish if they're being victimized or ostracized or ignored. Or just perhaps 'me' mode.
No one is doing any of that... we're all grieving. In grief, you can just barely get through. You aren't always watching your P's and Q's. And sometimes, you might get the order of what to do and when a little mixed up. Why does human nature need to go looking for ways to feel hurt and get their nose out of joint.
Why? why? why?
I'm starting to wonder if in the period of grief.. what happens is that the idiosyncrasies of the individual become more forefront than normal. Perhaps they can hide them better in normal conversation and everyday living.
I've noted that a family member has gone out of their way to point out in physical means, ie via sending a picture of them having a final goodbye breakfast on the beach... getting a wreath for the church that has a banner across it saying who it's from... that sort of display of affection or grieving.
I myself... don't need to let the world know that I'm grieving. It's a personal thing between me and God, between myself and the deceased.
It's appreciation for the lives we had together, it's sadness that we can't just catch up in person or over the phone, that they won't be there to have a lunch or dinner with in the physical reality.
For me personally also... I don't believe that they are gone out of my world... they are still there, just in another form. The Bible says this, the Catholic church says this, and many spiritual doctrines say this.
My apologies to anyone who feels quite strongly opposite to what I'm going to express. Please know I mean no disrespect or suggesting a devaluing of your own personal beliefs. We are free to feel and think what feels right to us, and can change our minds if we so choose.
I'm also a little confused as to why .. even devout Catholics think that their deceased loved one is in the casket. The body in the casket was a vessel for their loved one's spirit. It's no longer their loved one from the sense of the personality... it is now just someone who represents their deceased loved one.
Their loved one's soul/spirit/vibrancy/personality has left and is now in the world of spirit. That is who we loved, who we treasured, who we cherished. The essence of the person we loved is now spirit. A consciousness that is free to travel wherever it sees fit.. and from what I know.. they choose for most part, to stay in our lives through spirit.
As I've said in my 'Honouring Your Soul' page ... we are a consciousness or a spirit that inhabits the body..
Sort of like a TV without a signal is just a display screen sitting on your furniture.
A TV is only a TV by virtue that it receives a signal and translates that signal to a picture and sound that is meaningful to us and in a language we can understand.
We are the signal to the human body.
So my Dad has left this earthly 3D plane.. and yes, I will miss him in the form I'm used to seeing him in.. at the dinner table, out in his garden, falling asleep in front of the TV.
BUT .. he is still here with me. Not only in my heart, not only in my memories, not only in remembering him through photos and videos and quirky little things he did.
He is consciousness that exists in another plane, a plane I have access through meditation and prayer. I'm sure he'll drop me some hints and synchronicities to let me know when he's around. I'm sure I'll see him in my grandsons' faces... in their smile or that funny little look they have. I just need to be more open to the different ways I can connect with him.
I hope this translates to you the reader... if you've lost someone, either lately or many years ago... I believe with my whole heart, that our loved ones, are around us and looking out for us. They are there guiding you, whispering in your ear...
we just have to listen harder and trust that they are there.
Never before has the saying 'believing is seeing'... or 'believing is hearing'... not the other way around (seeing is believing) been more true.
Blessings and much love to you.