2019 and beyond!
How was 2019 for you?
I think for most people it was a year from hell.... nothing sort of went to plan; it was a 3 year.... and Google tells me its a year good for personal, professional and romantic relationships, and deciding what you want and relate to within these parameters.
Not all agree with this definition of a 3 year - but until I wrote this, I hadn't realized how closely my life had unfolded very much into this framework.
I don't know about you - there were certainly limitations and hurdles in my 2019.
I had a significant birthday in 2019... I wasn't even going to celebrate.
At the last minute, I decided I wasn't going to give in/up like a wallflower.. I made it special and thanks to the great friends I have - they helped make it special.
I had major brain surgery in Jan 2019... I am still in recovery - the brain is an amazing beautiful aspect of ourselves - and there's no shortage of amazement at what it has to do without us even thinking about it. I know that 1st hand. I am learning to retrain my foot/leg to walk. It takes enormous concentration. I watch little babies trying to walk and I so totally relate. Orchestrating the movement of all those muscles, nerves with precision timing and balance .... that is a work of art. And until my injury, I had never ever thought about what exactly it took. I am sure most of us don't think about what it takes to just walk.
My mother had a small stroke; my sister went through divorce and literal hell in regards to all aspects of her life.
I remember about a week post surgery... I had the most amazing experience.
Not for the longest time had I ever felt like I was really living life.
Life was a chore.... it was one foot in front of the other (hobbling in my case)....... it was get through the day..... it was feed myself, get the groceries, get some washing done.... repeat...... repeat.... oh... look - lunch with a friend..... repeat.....
In the hospital that day - suddenly the wall of
'life is just a get through each day' lifted..
I commented to someone that I feel like I am alive and ready to live. I savoured that feeling and I was on top of the world... couldn't walk, or balance but I felt ALIVE!!!
I was ready to LIVE again.
It was only a few months post surgery that I felt so alive that I put myself on a dating app. Didn't last long when I realized I was jumping the gun a bit. I had recovery to think about before I could go on a date!! But you know how it is..... the spontaneity is there... who thinks about practicalities!
All this to say... 2019 was pretty full... one way or another. Can't say that I ended up where I'd hoped I'd end up... mind you, going into surgery I did have to come to grips with the potential I might never walk again or indeed never awaken from the surgery.
So by that standard.. I have done exceptionally well.
By my other aspirations of being able to swim, run and dance my way through 2019 - well... I still have trouble walking, and a bunch of other symptoms I had not expected... so I'm not there yet... but there's always 2020 now!!
BUT... 2019 did take me deeper within. While I had some understanding of the role of my metaphysical heart, I learnt so much about both the physical and metaphysical heart..
I have probably never been closer to the notion of me - who I am - the soul rather than me the woman/mother/daughter etc
In 2019 I had to let go the notion of how I would earn my income. Quite confronting... but when it's in your face.. you can't do much but surrender. 25 years of doing a particular job... now a bullet point in my resume of life and no more. Very challenging when you have to ask.... well who am then without this aspect of myself?
I am still not sure where I am going with a meaningful way of giving back to the community, giving back and somewhere in all of that a means of earning an income. That is all still unfolding.
But I think my soul is finally getting off the couch and saying yipee! She's finally heard the call... Stubborn girl that she is.. Only took brain surgery to get her to listen :-)
So now I am being, rather than thinking... Twirl that one around your baton!
So while 2019 brought some great unfolding moments ... it was also a great teacher and humbling orchestrator. It was also a year to look deep into the face of fear.. and realize I can overcome.
I can say I am glad 2019 is over..... but I look back and say thank you.. for the many great lessons and gifts that arrived.
Blessings to all in your life.